Guess Who’s BZZZ-ack?

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Last week, on a routine stop to deliver material I was greeted by a very inquisitive bee. As I pulled my pallet off my truck, he buzzed up to me to say “Hi!!!” I figured it had to be a formal greeting because he felt the need to look me right in the eye to do so. I politely waved hello back to him and kept working. After dropping the pallet off in the garage and returning back to the truck for the second, he was still buzzing around. He must have been quite interested in the material I was delivering, because this time he decided to drop in the 4×2 box to analyze it’s contents. No problem, I’m sure he could have been a little tired from all that flying around so I took him for a little ride. Thinking he was still in the box I placed next to the first pallet, I returned to the truck ready to drive a few feet into the yard where I needed to deliver some outside material. He obviously flew out the box at some point and decided to hang around the truck. Perhaps wanting to give me a hand with my work, he AGAIN buzzed up to greet me. Feeling a bit uneasy at his aggressive re-introduction, I did a slow jog…….OK, I ran back to the truck and got in, rolled the windows up, and proceeded into the yard……20+ feet away! Whew, he should be going about his business now, right? I mean, really who wants to follow a noisy, diesel fueled behemoth? If he had thumbs, he say “THIS GUUUUYYYY,” because there he was again…buzzing, greeting, and nosey as hell…

Insert nerdy fact checks here: Bees are attracted to bright colors and sweet smells. They think both are wonderful flowers ripe for pollination. You see beekeepers wearing all white because it’s the one color that does confuse them. Even dark colors are no deterrent for them, because they think they are predators and will act a bit more cautious or aggressive. They will then find their way to soft tissue spots like the neck and eyes where they can do the most harm. Smart little guys, huh?

Well, I was wearing a grey shirt and surely smelled like sweat and the muggy outside air so it couldn’t have been my scent. My truck is all white and had no movement to suggest it wanted to keep him. And the sweet smells from the grocery store adjacent to the garage was about 50 yards away! So, why did this little fellow feel the need to buzz around me for a half an hour? …..It surely felt that long!!!

I suppose Mr. Busy Bee has seen me there everyday and wants to get to know me…..or sting me in the eye but I digress. What a day, and I’ll return around the same time the next. When I did, I couldn’t help but wonder what he’s up to now.

Damn………Guess Who’s BZZZ-ack???

E.N.T.

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Writers Muscles

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I want to be a writer. That’s too easy or general… I really love writing, especially when/if I write something that makes me laugh, think, or feel. Yes, I’m quite self entertained like that. So, like any other profession, skill, or craft you need some sort of schooling right? Well, I’ve seen some awesome, then misleading, then back to awesome information and advice on how to become a writer. I’ll come back to that in a second. First I want to share a gym story to help put things in perspective.

I’ve been working out fairly consistently for about 2yrs now and I’ve seen some pretty good results. However, when others see and acknowledge my gains the results are felt on a much deeper level. I never felt I needed a trainer to get the body I wanted, but I’m quick to ask a muscle head dude in the gym…”aye fam, what muscles are you working with that set you just did?” Perhaps they too feel great about their gains being acknowledged, because they are ALWAYS happy to give me an answer with “how to” instructions, motivational jargon, and even a diet to ensure I get the most out of this workout! I’ve sought-after advice from “extra swoll” dudes…”skinny cut dudes,” or “nutrition shirt wearing cats,” etc. and I take what advice I like, and discard the rest. Out of these 2yrs of gym data gathering, I just recently heard the best and only true advice there is, even though I had already seen a YouTube video I knew was the end all, be all of gym advice. And that is… You have to find out what your muscle fiber type is, first and foremost! You may have muscle fibers that require heavy weight with low reps to develop. Or, you may be like me…lighter weight, with lots of reps really give you a good workout. In all, what works for you, may not work for me.

Now, back to this “becoming a writer” advice… Just write: OK great, I agree! You HAVE to read…a lot: Eh, I sort of agree! Fuck a critic: Yes, but I do have feelings so that’s a work in progress! A writer has no rules, do it your own way: Absolute truth resonating with me! I found my own way in the gym, just like I found my way through all that writing advice. Some was good, some was bad…but all was me deciphering through it to find my muscle fiber type… right down to the muscles in my writing hand!!!

E.N.T.

Old is the new young…

This past weekend I realized just how old/young I am. It’s ironic that my last name is Newman, because this man was introduced to something new…a silent party! Perhaps you’ve heard of this awesome and creative alternative to noisy, neighbor bashes, but if not… here’s the scoop! There were 3 dj’s spinning a different genre of music on separate channels that can only be heard in headphones. That’s right…everyone in the spot had on headphones!!! The coolest part is that they had neon lights on them indicating which dj they were listening to! The nerd in me wanted to explore the equipment and follow the wires to the respective output channels on the amps, but I digress!!!

Ok, …so the overwhelming majority of patrons were clearly under…let’s say early 30’s on the high end. I calculated, mmmm, about 6 ppl in their 40’s and that’s including my girlfriend and I!!! One dj was spinning house and reggae music. The second dj was spinning old school hip-hop, and the fourth…new school/top 40 hits. All three were very good and having been raised by dj’s, I’m a pretty tough critic. With that said…. YOOOO, I DANCED LIKE NO ONE WAS WATCHING!!! I mean, I had “canned heat in my heels,” (i.e. Jamiroquai), “all eyes on me,” (i.e. Tupac), and “you can’t tell me nothin” (i.e. Kanye)!!! Old school hip hop…yep, I knew all the words to the songs! House/reggae… yep, gyrating and jacking…done! New school/top 40…I know the lingo and dances too… This 41 yr old man didn’t look too old for the new music, couldn’t be that young and know old school hip-hop like that, and libido was clearly healthy enough for the rigors of reggae and house! Now if only I can figure out how all that worked electronically????

Welp, I guess I did just show the nerd in me, huh….

E.N.T.

Useless People

So, I have an idea of a book I think I want to write eventually. No, I’m not going to spill any beans on my brainchild, but those thoughts got me thinking on a slightly different tangent….well, that and Rhianna’s “You Needed Me” blaring out my speakers. True to its title, the song is about how RiRi is this bad chic who uses her prowess to get this guy in bed…usually when she’s intoxicated and feeling all “randy!!!” Unfortunately for this fortunate guy who had the chance(s) to shag the songstress, he fell in love (I suppose) and grew to really need her while she was simply using him for a “faded f*ck” as she puts it. So I got to thinking…was he really useless? Is anyone really useless….even the ones being used?

People use people all the time, since the beginning of time in fact. Eve used Adam; it seems like women are still paying for that one judging the way us men use them as sex objects! Governments use people as pawns, property, and targets; companies and bosses use people to gain personal wealth; professional sports team owners use athletes as property, marketing tools, and merchandise advertisers; the strong uses the weak; the intellectuals use the ignorant ones…and the list goes on and on!

With so much using going on, the lines can get blurred between who really needs who. It’s so commonplace… what would users do without people to use? So, next time you feel used….reverse that shit and ride off singing like RiRi….”Yoouuu NEEEeeeEEEeeeEEEeeeEEEed Me!!!”

E.N.T.

Motivational

Do you ever feel like you have to motivate yourself to get motivated! I know it sounds redundant, lazy, and all kinds of “extra” but, again bare with me for a sec as my nerdy mind works. I bet you have a hobby, secret talent, or passion for something whether big or small that you’d like to spend time nurishing, right? My favorite saying/excuse/reason for not doing something I want to do is “life just gets in the way!!!” Who can argue with that…especially if you have kids? Then you hear or see some story about some over achieving ass person that makes you feel like you haven’t done shit with your life in years and you go…”i gotta get motivated!!!” Ok, where do I start…

First, I need a plan! I’m going to create a schedule in my life so life won’t get in my way this time. I’m going to do such and such, on such and such days, for such and such hrs! My goal is such and such, and I should reach it by such and such time! Boom, put this on the fridge, mirror in the bathroom, calendar in phone w/alarm, work computer, and dashboard in car…now my motivation tactics are engaged!!!

Now that you have everything in place to get motivated…all the reminders and nuggets of positive energy abound…LET’S GET AFTER IT!!!!!

……….Tomorrow!!!

…damn!!!

E.N.T.

Ego Trippin

They say you can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you set your mind to, but can you? Can we? Better yet…do you or I even really want that for ourselves and others. I say yes and no and as much of a contradiction that may seem, it’s the only true answer to any of the previously stated questions. I’ll try proving my point but I HAVE to do a disclaimer first cuz I’m about to let you in on some private thoughts and I don’t need you all judging me or looking at me differently, dammit! Let my history, track record, and consistency be your reminder that I’m the same dude I was before you read this shit… I’m merely using my unfiltered, inside voice! Ok…leggo!!!

My alter ego is a bad muthafukka… His first name is more commonly a last name like Wade or Lynch or some shit. And he has a last name that consists of two badass words like Armstrong or Blackwell… Wade Blackwell…yeah, I like the sound of that!!! This dude is about 6’3, 225… looks like a wide receiver, handsome, but not overly good looking and pretty! He just read that the newly appointed president of the NRA said it won’t be long until white ppl are able to own black ppl again and it’s their God given right to do so. His reaction is that he hopes that guy gets shot in the face by the very rifle he’s such an advocate of. Although Wade is a spiritual guy, he takes pleasure in the stories in the bible when God wreaks havoc on sinners, just as much as he does when God blesses the kind at heart. This makes him a very contradictory man but he doesn’t give one solitary fuck about it. He says whatever he feels when he feels it and may give you an explanation, but he won’t spend any energy trying to defend it. Wade is creative and talented as hell. He plays the guitar, piano and drums, can sing, rap, dance and act. He’s Great at any sport, super intellengent and articulate even when drinking tons of whiskey (with Dos Equis of course…lol)and smoking squares, cigars, cloves, weed or whatever he wants. He wants a girlfriend when he wants a girlfriend, and when he doesn’t want one, he wants a girl that understands that! He makes a LOT of money, but no one can understand his job functions. He speaks several languages and dresses like he’s from the hood, but you would never consider it thuggish. He has lots of tattoos that all have some deep ass meaning to them and his stories all sound like novels… coincidently he’s in the process of writing one. I could say more, but I’ll just get to proving my point.

A guy like Wade Blackwell would stay in drama and controversy so Alvernon filters all aspects of this dude. I’m all of these things but none of them. My Dad resembled a lot of those characteristics, but my Mom is the complete opposite…yet they attracted, had two kids, and a fairly successful marriage before the drugs and alcohol took their toll. So, can I be whoever I want…yes because it’s in me and I just did it in the form of this writing. But, no…I cannot because I’m so much like my mom Wade Blackwell will never take the physical form. But wait, text is indeed a physical thing…. What a contradiction, right!!!???

E.N.T.

I “Ran” Into Huckleberry!!!

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[Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com]

Ok my people, stay with me for a second as I break this down! This may not even be nerdy (aside from my mind working a bit different than most, perhaps), but it definitely deserves a post! I’m sure we can agree that there’s a certain amount of respect you have to give a person for standing on their convictions. But, allow me to apply a little pressure to that theory…

Light pressure: Ok, it’s been a several months since I’ve posted….UGHH!!! Most times life just gets in the way…I got tons of shit to do! If you read “The Duality of Al” (insert shameless plug…GO READ THAT AFTER THIS…) you already know Alvernon is quite anal. So, I try to stick to the “nerdy” theme WAAAY too much. But, this is MY BLOG and I can write whatever I want!!! 🙂 i.e. My ipod is better than yours!!! My sock drawer is military organized!!! I think the Popeye’s chicken spokeswoman is HOTT!!! 😉 Although you have to respect a man for standing up for his convictions, it can strangle the writer in me. Clearly I have more topics I could touch on, but I’m trying (albeit very slowly and half assed) to build a brand here! …happy medium search…engage…

Hard pressure: Several months ago again, my girlfriend and I ran the Night Nation Run to stand up for cancer research. It was my first 5k run and I was amazed by the amount of ppl who were running, involved in planning, and/or just being there to party. The affects of cancer was very personal for almost everyone out there…. except for Huckleberry!!!

Runners take your mark! Us against cancer right? We’re over a thousand strong, so cancer goes (at least in my mind) “What, nobody wants to play for blood???”

And I swear…as we’re awaiting the sound off to start… this guy lights up, smokes his entire cigarette, and didn’t give one, single, solitary, fuck who had a problem with it!!! I was appalled at the disrespect to those who lost a loved one to cancer, but still had some respect at the balls it took to look death in its eye and say….I’ll be your Huckleberry!!!

E.N.T.

 

 

 

A Conflict of Words

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[image credit: Susan Clarke; Cartoons About Miscommunication; fun-damentals.com]

One day, a few words had it up to “hear” with being misused and misplaced in conversations! In fact, the word “here” just gave me the side eye for that first sentence. So, while I’ve been searching for words to write and the time to write them…a few of them had some issues as well.

First there was “reel!” He figured, since we work together often I should be able to understand his frustrations. I’m a driver for a telecom company and I often deliver reels of wire to several locations. They can get quite heavy sometimes so the work is very “real” to and for me. But, “reel” wasn’t feeling as alive! I told him he was having a Peter Pan moment and he needed to simply look at things in a different perspective. You may not have a pulse, but you allow communication to millions and that my friend, keeps the world alive! He “reelly” liked that…

“Steel” had been a victim of identity theft. He is responsible for many structures, inventions and innovative things that have made the world interesting and sometimes tragic. Steel made the Titanic, but the sinking always “steals” the headlines. Steel made skyscrapers, but the architects steal the notoriety. Steel has even been misused for evil! “Hear” in Chicago, steel guns are heavily used to rob, kill, and yes…steal. The world has tried using more plastic, but even that started to steal the ozone layer. I guess steel can’t catch a break…get it!!!??? 😉

Now these “two” over “hear” were inseparable, and that was part of “their” problem! They were way “too” close “to!!!” They had the same issue as their friends “there” and “they’re!” They all needed some time alone to understand who ownership lies with, where exactly does it lie, and how many persons, places, or things are considered. We won’t even begin to touch on the “lye’s” told while they sorted all that out!

Trying to keep my mind “staid” on the task at hand, I’m glad I “stayed” up to write this post. We must “raise” awareness to the conflicts our words create and be “rays” of hope for positive communication amongst each other. I can only hope I’ve helped out my word friends as much as they have helped me. Because now, I can always return “HERE” to be reminded of our bond and to as usual…

Embrace Nerdy Things!!!

 

 

 

The Martian

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[image credit] Merrie-melodies-laser-beam-marvin-the-martian.jpg (looneytunesshow.wikia.com)

Recently, I took a trip to Venus and acquired some awesome understanding about women. So, it was only right I take a trip to my home planet and now I’m an expert on all things about men.  Ladies, this is where you’ll want to pour a glass of wine or set up whatever pleasurable and relaxing vices you indulge in as I break down why men are the way we are.

You may or may not understand us because, well…we come from a planet that’s a conundrum for even a scientist. Mars is considered to be an incredibly inhospitable place, much like the emotionally unavailable male. It’s cold, dry, has little atmosphere or precipitation, and nothing grows there! So no, we will never understand what it’s like to bare a child. But, Mars is still a lot like Earth!

Perhaps it’s just me, but I never refer to a woman as having “swag” in complements to her aura. She can be jazzy, or stylish or simply hot…but not possessing swag. That seems better suited for a guy walking with a certain tilt to his axis. He exhibits a certain cool atmosphere with a mystery of what lies underneath his layers. You don’t know what his temperament is, but like Earth you still feel his gravitational pull.

Ever wonder why it takes a man a while to warm up and open up enough for you to see how he flows? Why is there nothing like a hot, cooked meal to rejuvenate a man? In fact, why does it take all things warm i.e. a hug, kiss, smile to see a man come to life? How can we be so familiar to all things Earthly, and yet be so confusing at the same time?

Perhaps these nerdy fact will help shed some light on us. Mars indeed does have plenty of water… it’s just in the polar regions and as a permanent layer of permafrost under much of its surface. So, if your sunshine is warm enough, (along with the right combination of food, hugs, and kisses) you can melt this cold, outer, shell and begin to see him flow through life. You see his “swag” because Mars’ axial tilt of 25.19 degrees is comparable to Earth’s  23.44. A day on Mars is 24hrs and 39mn, and it’s average temperature is 51 degrees Fahrenheit so we can afford to procrastinate at least 40mn a day…ijs!!! 😉 Mars’ orbit around the sun is more eccentric than other planets as well. It can be at a distance of 206.7 million to 249.2 million  kilometers from the sun!  I bet the man cave is perhaps located at the latter distance… Just embrace my “eccentricity” and as always….

E.N.T.

 

 

 

 

 

A Day On Venus

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YES, I have finally figured women out!!! I have discovered Victoria’s secrets, I’ve opened Scarlet’s letter, can be Jane Eyre’s heir, (…wink, wink), and now I understand the Diaries of a Mad, Black Woman. I know why Beyoncé keeps her hot sauce in her bag (Swag!!!), why Ethel puts that shit (Frank Red Hot Sauce) on everything, and even how much Mrs. Butters(is)Worth!!!

When women are pregnant or are really happy, its often said they are glowing…like they are reflecting light or something. They have roots growing in them that have yet to be seen but are very much alive and need to be nourished. Her atmosphere is a bit different…she see’s more vividly, hears more clearly, and smells everything. That “woman’s intuition” is acute and on full display. And now I see why!!!

Is it just me, or do women look so damn good in the summer!!!??? I’m not saying  this simply because they’re wearing less clothes (…well maybe I am), but there’s so much more to it. She’s more colorful, playful, and flavorful. She wants to be outside basking in the sun, taking walks in the park, sight seeing, and shopping for attire to have her fashionable while she’s doing all of that. With that said, she may not want to do a lot of sweating and/or getting her hair wet but it’s something about that sun that makes her have some concessions…. And I know why!!!

Ever wonder why women constantly lie about their age; why it’s taboo to ask an older woman how old she is? It’s so ok for her to be “Forever 21” they have stores aptly named. Ever wonder why it takes her so long to get dressed? Ever wonder why they say “a woman has a right to change her mind,” and when she does it, she somehow gets you to just rotate with it…. Well, wonder no more…I have the answers!!!

Okay, so I don’t REALLY have the answers BUT, here are the facts! A day on Venus (you know, that planet women are from) lasts longer than a year on Venus! A planet’s day is the time it takes to spin once on it’s axis, and the year is how long the planet takes to orbit around the sun. It takes Venus 243 days to spin once on its axis, but only 224.65 days to orbit around the sun! And get this… it also rotates backwards!!!

So, in nerdy theory it makes sense why you take all day to get dressed. Your home planet is all day! You’re at your best when in the sun… you nurture your seeds, blossom into beautiful, colorful creatures for all to see, and you give off scents that attract all species. You probably really do forget your age. Your planet takes so long to rotate one time, I imagine the days begin to lump together. And I guess you really do have a right to change your mind since your planet rotates backwards. Still…as opposite as your planet is from mine, I cant wait to spend another day on Venus!

E.N.T.