Month: March 2016

The Martian

Posted on by Alvernon

Marvin

[image credit] Merrie-melodies-laser-beam-marvin-the-martian.jpg (looneytunesshow.wikia.com)

Recently, I took a trip to Venus and acquired some awesome understanding about women. So, it was only right I take a trip to my home planet and now I’m an expert on all things about men.  Ladies, this is where you’ll want to pour a glass of wine or set up whatever pleasurable and relaxing vices you indulge in as I break down why men are the way we are.

You may or may not understand us because, well…we come from a planet that’s a conundrum for even a scientist. Mars is considered to be an incredibly inhospitable place, much like the emotionally unavailable male. It’s cold, dry, has little atmosphere or precipitation, and nothing grows there! So no, we will never understand what it’s like to bare a child. But, Mars is still a lot like Earth!

Perhaps it’s just me, but I never refer to a woman as having “swag” in complements to her aura. She can be jazzy, or stylish or simply hot…but not possessing swag. That seems better suited for a guy walking with a certain tilt to his axis. He exhibits a certain cool atmosphere with a mystery of what lies underneath his layers. You don’t know what his temperament is, but like Earth you still feel his gravitational pull.

Ever wonder why it takes a man a while to warm up and open up enough for you to see how he flows? Why is there nothing like a hot, cooked meal to rejuvenate a man? In fact, why does it take all things warm i.e. a hug, kiss, smile to see a man come to life? How can we be so familiar to all things Earthly, and yet be so confusing at the same time?

Perhaps these nerdy fact will help shed some light on us. Mars indeed does have plenty of water… it’s just in the polar regions and as a permanent layer of permafrost under much of its surface. So, if your sunshine is warm enough, (along with the right combination of food, hugs, and kisses) you can melt this cold, outer, shell and begin to see him flow through life. You see his “swag” because Mars’ axial tilt of 25.19 degrees is comparable to Earth’s  23.44. A day on Mars is 24hrs and 39mn, and it’s average temperature is 51 degrees Fahrenheit so we can afford to procrastinate at least 40mn a day…ijs!!! 😉 Mars’ orbit around the sun is more eccentric than other planets as well. It can be at a distance of 206.7 million to 249.2 million  kilometers from the sun!  I bet the man cave is perhaps located at the latter distance… Just embrace my “eccentricity” and as always….

E.N.T.

 

 

 

 

 

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A Day On Venus

Posted on by Alvernon

trip to venus

YES, I have finally figured women out!!! I have discovered Victoria’s secrets, I’ve opened Scarlet’s letter, can be Jane Eyre’s heir, (…wink, wink), and now I understand the Diaries of a Mad, Black Woman. I know why Beyoncé keeps her hot sauce in her bag (Swag!!!), why Ethel puts that shit (Frank Red Hot Sauce) on everything, and even how much Mrs. Butters(is)Worth!!!

When women are pregnant or are really happy, its often said they are glowing…like they are reflecting light or something. They have roots growing in them that have yet to be seen but are very much alive and need to be nourished. Her atmosphere is a bit different…she see’s more vividly, hears more clearly, and smells everything. That “woman’s intuition” is acute and on full display. And now I see why!!!

Is it just me, or do women look so damn good in the summer!!!??? I’m not saying  this simply because they’re wearing less clothes (…well maybe I am), but there’s so much more to it. She’s more colorful, playful, and flavorful. She wants to be outside basking in the sun, taking walks in the park, sight seeing, and shopping for attire to have her fashionable while she’s doing all of that. With that said, she may not want to do a lot of sweating and/or getting her hair wet but it’s something about that sun that makes her have some concessions…. And I know why!!!

Ever wonder why women constantly lie about their age; why it’s taboo to ask an older woman how old she is? It’s so ok for her to be “Forever 21” they have stores aptly named. Ever wonder why it takes her so long to get dressed? Ever wonder why they say “a woman has a right to change her mind,” and when she does it, she somehow gets you to just rotate with it…. Well, wonder no more…I have the answers!!!

Okay, so I don’t REALLY have the answers BUT, here are the facts! A day on Venus (you know, that planet women are from) lasts longer than a year on Venus! A planet’s day is the time it takes to spin once on it’s axis, and the year is how long the planet takes to orbit around the sun. It takes Venus 243 days to spin once on its axis, but only 224.65 days to orbit around the sun! And get this… it also rotates backwards!!!

So, in nerdy theory it makes sense why you take all day to get dressed. Your home planet is all day! You’re at your best when in the sun… you nurture your seeds, blossom into beautiful, colorful creatures for all to see, and you give off scents that attract all species. You probably really do forget your age. Your planet takes so long to rotate one time, I imagine the days begin to lump together. And I guess you really do have a right to change your mind since your planet rotates backwards. Still…as opposite as your planet is from mine, I cant wait to spend another day on Venus!

E.N.T.