YES, I have finally figured women out!!! I have discovered Victoria’s secrets, I’ve opened Scarlet’s letter, can be Jane Eyre’s heir, (…wink, wink), and now I understand the Diaries of a Mad, Black Woman. I know why Beyoncé keeps her hot sauce in her bag (Swag!!!), why Ethel puts that shit (Frank Red Hot Sauce) on everything, and even how much Mrs. Butters(is)Worth!!!

When women are pregnant or are really happy, its often said they are glowing…like they are reflecting light or something. They have roots growing in them that have yet to be seen but are very much alive and need to be nourished. Her atmosphere is a bit different…she see’s more vividly, hears more clearly, and smells everything. That “woman’s intuition” is acute and on full display. And now I see why!!!

Is it just me, or do women look so damn good in the summer!!!??? I’m not saying  this simply because they’re wearing less clothes (…well maybe I am), but there’s so much more to it. She’s more colorful, playful, and flavorful. She wants to be outside basking in the sun, taking walks in the park, sight seeing, and shopping for attire to have her fashionable while she’s doing all of that. With that said, she may not want to do a lot of sweating and/or getting her hair wet but it’s something about that sun that makes her have some concessions…. And I know why!!!

Ever wonder why women constantly lie about their age; why it’s taboo to ask an older woman how old she is? It’s so ok for her to be “Forever 21” they have stores aptly named. Ever wonder why it takes her so long to get dressed? Ever wonder why they say “a woman has a right to change her mind,” and when she does it, she somehow gets you to just rotate with it…. Well, wonder no more…I have the answers!!!

Okay, so I don’t REALLY have the answers BUT, here are the facts! A day on Venus (you know, that planet women are from) lasts longer than a year on Venus! A planet’s day is the time it takes to spin once on it’s axis, and the year is how long the planet takes to orbit around the sun. It takes Venus 243 days to spin once on its axis, but only 224.65 days to orbit around the sun! And get this… it also rotates backwards!!!

So, in nerdy theory it makes sense why you take all day to get dressed. Your home planet is all day! You’re at your best when in the sun… you nurture your seeds, blossom into beautiful, colorful creatures for all to see, and you give off scents that attract all species. You probably really do forget your age. Your planet takes so long to rotate one time, I imagine the days begin to lump together. And I guess you really do have a right to change your mind since your planet rotates backwards. Still…as opposite as your planet is from mine, I cant wait to spend another day on Venus!

E.N.T.